WHAT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN A RELATIONSHIP?
***Warning: the following post includes F-bombs and such.
How Relationships Mirror Inner Turmoil
A friend of mine asked me — what is the difference between:
I live by the concept of the latter: "it is necessary to create a space where people feel safe" -- not, it is "my responsibility to make someone feel safe in a relationship".
Apparently I had not made them feel safe in our relationship.
These two things are not a play on words.
They are vastly different, in my opinion.
The first puts the responsibility and burden on someone to ‘force the other’ or ‘coerce the other’ to “feel a certain way”. As though I am responsible for HOW they "respond to my actions".
The second focuses more on “what CAN I do” to create a safe haven for someone to feel safe to be their authentic self.
I prefer to not use “make someone”.
It feels like "manipulating the way a person feels." A person chooses to "feel" a certain way. If I slapped your face by surprise, did I make you angry or feel a certain emotion? Or is your response your choice - even though I may have influenced it?
If you chose to slap me back; did I make you? Or did you you chose to react that way?
Ya, I could understand me slapping you bringing about (kind of like a trigger of sorts), feelings of mixed emotions, rage or hurt - but how you respond is entirely your choice.
You could chose to retaliate or, see it from a completely different perspective and be calm and walk away ... etc...
Who knows? I would probably slap you back -- because that is where I am at in my human consciousness.
Either way, it makes sense to me that our outer relationships have a lot to do with our own inner relationship. How do we really view ourselves? This is not a black and white view - but like I said, it makes sense.
HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
(there are experts on this topic, you know? ...)
A lot of you don’t know about this situation; but when my eldest son was around eight years old, he decided he wanted to live with his dad.
I fought this for the first few years. My reasoning: "he is my son - he SHOULD live with me too".
"I am his mother. WHY is this happening? He needs me."
I panicked “how do I keep him” and not “lose him to his father”? HA HA HA -- leggit feelings and thoughts!
Then I spoke with a friend of mine who lives in France - who was having similar issues with her son of the same age.
She encouraged me to allow my son to chose. She helped me to see that, “that is what love does”.
LOVE ALLOWS FOR SPACE. LOVE DOESN'T PUT A TIME LIMIT ON HOW LONG ANOTHER PERSON NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE OF THINGS.
It was so difficult. There was a fear of rejection that was taking over. EGO was really hurt and wanted to play into that "victim mentality".
It is not about “how much I give…” - it is about the freedom you allow someone the space to sort things out.
I decided it would be best for my son — and for me, to allow him that space — how-EVER FUCKING long it took!
For all I knew, he might not ever want to come live with me and might decide when he was in his forties to have a relationship with me.
I wasn't giving up on our relationship. I wasn't "taking away the safe haven, that is very natural for me to create and keep for my loved ones".
I was simply looking at the situation objectively and realizing that my son really needed to feel like he was in control of how close he would let me get to his tender heart. I learned that it is more important when you love someone, to take a step back and allow things to flow as the should.
If I acted out of fear or hurt, I would have probably ended up hurting us both and pushing him away even further.
As Mooji says, “relationship is not something to keep. It’s to be enjoyed out of your freshness; and in your strength you will find that everything becomes more pure”.
He goes on to say “everything wants to be with you when you are empty of intention …too much intention creates ‘TENSION’”.
This has been an ongoing lesson in my life. There is a lot of pain and trauma stuck on our cells - 'our pain body' (as Eckhart Tolle refers to it) - starts crying out “pay attention to me”. It then goes on further to demand, "make me feel a certain way, in our relationship".
I'm sorry, but I don't buy into that.
Is it my responsibility to hold a sacred, caring space? -- DAMN right it is! I accept that responsibility and have never shunned it.
But, if I'm doing the best I possibly can - while you're not exactly being the perfect example yourself, and you are failing to see my efforts, it is completely absurd to expect me to have that responsibility.
I am NOT responsible for the lenses in your eyes and how you view reality. That is your story.
I could tell you until you are blue in the face, how much you mean to me and in my own love language, do my best to love you - but if you have your own limiting beliefs that have triggered your pain body to react because it is deeply hurting, there is NO freaking way I am going to convince you of my devotion and love.
You will continue to see things through your pain.
This is the moment, I feel where - we can really tune in and observe:
You see, what my son taught me and continues to teach me - is that LOVE (how I understand it) is unconditional.
LOVE is freeing.
LOVE holds space.
Guess what? A few months ago, my son started coming around more often.
I thought I had LOST a lot of time. Yah, granted …sometimes a few days will go by and he gets taller.
But there is this sweetness and tenderness between us - regardless of our own emotional issues. We are going through the process of healing — but, as we continue to be present to each other, our relationship deepens.
It's not always peaches and cream (if you like that kind of thing) or a "bed of roses" or in my case, "chocolate cake".
I have no expectation of his devotion to me as my son. I allow him to be.
He has slapped me in the face before and told me “FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU, I WISH YOU WERE DEAD…” and I in the past, have not been the most patient mother. I have retaliated in punishing him more harshly than I would in my current awareness.
I could have said, "How could you? You are my son! You're supposed to respect and honor me. After all those months I carried you and labored in delivery, all those years I took care of you ... blah blah blah".
The pain was real. Sometimes it comes back and hits really hard.
But what does un-fucking-conditional love do?
[By the way, if you're judging me for over using the F-word, you should have paid attention to my warning. It actually feels liberating to use that word. Oh, sorry - did I MAKE you feel uncomfortable?
OR, was it your pre-programmed judgment and feelings about the word?]
Back to LOVE ... WHAT DOES UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DO?
It does NOT have expectations. Love is the gift that gives without expecting anything back.
If I was continually hurting someone and they were loving on me all the time, it would make total sense to walk away from the relationship and keep your distance.
Love allows for someone to take the time to make sense of things. Love also looks at our own actions and how we contributed to someone needing space.
My son - he knows he can come back to me any time. Not because I MADE him feel that way. Rather, because time and space has allowed and encouraged him to take that step.
But if he doesn't believe me when I show him I love him and his pain body is blinding his perspective, there really is no way to convince him.
Yes, it helps that I also create a “safe place” for him. I can’t force him though, to see things through my point of view.
I can only do my part.
We create stories. We have our own stories and project them onto others and then get hurt, expecting the other person to be the bigger one.
I do this too. But that is just my pain body telling me that something within me, needs MY attention and is asking to become aligned with Source.
I see you, I honor you and I love you.
Welcome to my personal blog. This blog is going to be filled with everything magickal. Even the grimy stuff of life.